Schrödinger’s Mom
A mediation using Roman, Fool, Moral Dilemmas
Ok.
Switching to dark mode did not help.
A whole screen full of black void
Is far worse.
You can do this. No deleting. No “fixing”.
Thinking on paper—
You promised yourself.
Do the homework.
See where it sticks.
This is what me and Dr. Fiech talked about.
This is the year you take back your life”.
This is the year I step out.
Mom will have to allow it.
She will understand.
It’s what moms were meant to do.
Natural for a bird to leave the nest.
Didn’t she want grandkids?
No, she just wants this kid.
And I’m not leaving. I promise.
But I’m lonely, mom.
You’re my best friend.
That’s what makes dating so hard.
I can’t write my profile without you.
I mean god damn!
I can’t just write “my mom says I’m nice”
And get super likes.
I’m 37!
Sucks!
I’ve lived in one room!
It sucks to love someone so much
You don’t want to hurt them
By starting your life.
I’ve tried to talk about this.
It’s not wrong to love your mom.
She fed me everyday.
Whether she felt like it or not.
Snow storm, 4am.
Mom.
You reveal your personality to her
Before anyone else.
I’m sure, her face was the first to make me smile.
We know this.
But we unlearn it.
It’s easier to leave your first love
If you’re ignorant the cost.
Otherwise you’re complicit in her destruction.
Or maybe I think too much.
That’s what mom says.
“You’d know more if you didn’t think so much.”
Just gotta feel it, apparently.
Well, mom.
You felt yourself right out of your retirement.
That’s why I rent my childhood room.
Don’t worry,
I’ll make sure those boxes of
Makeup,
Leggings,
And bathroom coffee funnels
End up where they belong.
Don’t.
Don’t fester.
That leads to resentment.
“If I can master myself, the world will not unseat me.”
“If I can master myself, the world will not unseat me.”
What do I want for my future?
Well, I’m squishy.
So I want someone squishy, too.
And fun.
Someone who likes to talk and laugh.
Pretty to me.
She doesn’t have to like the things I like.
I think it would be fun to learn her stuff.
Then I could show her my stuff.
Like an endless sleepover.
I want her to be nice to me…
I just want a normal life.
Not too much.
Enough to have lived.
But that’s what everyone wants.
What have I missed out on?
Happiness must be a supply issue.
Look at that.
Just like college,
I’m still burying the thesis.
“You’re so smart”.
More like late to the table.
It would be nice if my wife found me interesting.
I’m capable of that.
I like cool things.
I do stuff.
I have friends.
Not a ton,
But enough I’ve never had to buy a ride to the airport.
These are facts I can’t change,
Or devalue through self sabotage.
Progress?
No—seems too familiar.
Identify sabotage,
But don’t blame.
Right there on paper.
Stupid ass brain.
I see what you’re doing.
And she will too…
This fantasy wife,
I meet at the coffee shop before work.
My phone,
Still warm with her number
Walking into my office.
Flustered. Confident.
Shocking my leg, destiny beckoning me.
Just call her.
The future starts today.
What?…
Then snow laden streets of Christmas cheer?
Mommy sure does like those holiday movies…
ENOUGH.
Don’t bully anyone.
There’s been enough of that.
Unless that chest pain is something you crave.
No.
Loving your family isn’t wrong.
Neither is spending time with them,
Especially when she would be alone without you.
She will be alone without you.
Another fact.
Like pesticides dumped in the ocean.
And it feels bad.
Because she watched every kid movie with you.
Only for you to demonize hers for your own destruction.
Schrodinger was right.
You can label things all you want…
If you shove them in a box.
They can’t argue with you.
Moms and gods hate this one trick.
Yet that’s what we do.
Our brain gives us labels,
We conquer the world.
Or at least try to
“Set meaningful and lofty goals”.
Like finding companionship and love.
Or having a family.
Normality.
Mom is right,
I think too much.
I’ve got the worrying all figured out.
Huh…
I don’t have to let go,
But I need someone with perspective.
Perhaps I’ve been deer hunting in a boat.
Apple picking with birdshot.
Thank you.
Open word document?
This has helped.
Mom will understand.
Something tells me she’ll know the type.